Posts tagged thoughts

Happy Birthday little ol’ me

January 16, 2012 · Filed under my life, thoughts, writing · Tagged , , ,

Is it the coming-of-age feeling that gets us so pensive as we turn another year older? Or is it the combination of that and the proximity of the arrival of a new year?

I left the office today at an untypical hour where the sun still shone. That perpetual guilt of “I could have done more” plagued me but I had to go. I wanted to spend the evening before my birthday with my family and I was adamant I didn’t usher in my birthday at my work desk.

Thanks to good ol’ Stars, my mood lifted a little as I plugged in and walked and I realised it’s been a while since I had this persistent sense of… unhappiness – if that’s the right way to describe it. You know, the feeling that you want more out of your life yet you know you may not entirely deserve it because you ain’t giving more anyway.

It’s probably a combination of factors. First, a relentless flu bug that threw me off track physically and professionally. From there, it was a downward spiral of feeling demoralised and in a state of isolation and self-disappointment. This whole journey is almost… expected. I’d been in a great place for months now and when I recognised its presence, I chuckled a little to myself. Life is all but a cycle, no?

Then when you ain’t feeling so invincible anymore, suddenly different sets of truth seem to make themselves more apparent. And that sense of “I could have done more” persists… I could have been a better friend, daughter, sister and aunt. I’m not caring enough. I don’t communicate enough. I’m not selfless enough. I don’t spend enough time with them. Hell, I’m not even a good enough yogi, what with just a weekly practice…

And as I witness some friendships and relationships die a slow death, I cry a little to myself as I debate between being a victim and a student. I tell myself nothing lasts forever and I can only be grateful they once were but it’s a hard pill to swallow…

I don’t mind all these pensiveness, really. And no, I don’t quite mind turning another year older either. I was telling KT last night that it’s hard to hate ageing when you love the lessons you’d learnt that could only come with age.

We all complain a little as the number scales up bit by bit, but will we really exchange what we have right now for where we were five years ago or even two years ago? I’d loved my life then but I love new lessons too much to wanna stay forever 25.

So, here I go… A happy little birthday to myself. :)

PS: Sorry if you’re expecting the usual uplifting post. I’m sure I’ll be back in no time. ;)

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I’ll like to do this…

December 4, 2011 · Filed under beauty, love, my life, thoughts, writing · Tagged , , ,

  • “I’d like to have time to kneel and smell the flowers, get pollen all over my face and have bees chase me around for being nosy.
  • I’d like to remember the smell of an early morning; get up with the sun and be the first Eve who ever walked on Earth, naked. Does anybody know what dew is?
  • I’d like to reach a higher scale in my shower symphony, compose an opera piece on the spot and splash the bathroom walls with notes. Wash all my sins away with organic soap.
  • I’d like to sit still until all fear starves itself and silence is OK; breathe deeply in some universal chest like a healthy organ. And then be born and curious about the world again, pointing at things with chubby fingers, because they are so fresh and new, they haven’t been named yet.
  • I’d like to answer all my phone calls and mean the how-are-yous and not save my honesty until all the good-byes have been sentenced over my wireless head.
  • I’d like to be a friend of insects and men. Not be afraid of mirrors. Not even scream at spiders.
  • I’d like to yogalise my poses, buddhalise my prayers, jesusise my love and hindulise my smile.
  • I’d like to whisper to only a few people under a blanket instead of shouting at hundreds over the internet rooftops.
  • I’d like to put a heart in every word even if it ends up so beaten that I run out of all my seven lives before my grave is finished.
  • I’d like to love you out loud, not only in the dark cave of my mind, with bats hanging out of my eyes, in the opposite direction.
  • I’d like to speak in complete sentences, instead of SMSing  E-people with LOL-lives always in !!!!! demand for + Facebook #Likes. I’d like to kiss with my lips instead of XO with my keyboard.
  • I’d like to love my neighbour even when his f***ing TV drives me so f***ing crazy I could reach across the f***ing wall and pull out the morning-show f**ks through the TV screen and get them another f***ing job that doesn’t degrade humanity.
  • I’d like to be 100% recyclable, untraceable, not remembered, only perceived, non-violent, transparent, like water; donate all my organs, leave only footsteps on a beach, not carbon footprints on my future children’s faces.
  • I’d like to take naps, lots of naps, preferably in a swing or by a fireplace, preferably in the sun, with a dog drooling over my feet; and never have to hear the sound of another alarm clock again.
  • I’d like to write letters – at least once a month, with real ink on thick, recycled paper, and seal them with my ring on candle wax; send them away with a carrier pigeon and then wait patiently for the answer, looking down from a castle window. Not type up anxious atoms on a screen, click, double-click to open, close and open, close again, why-won’t-you-charge, brainless, annoying piece of s**t?
  • I’d like to have some faith, just any faith that I can walk on water and not drown; and even if I didn’t have that faith, jump off the boat with no lifesaver, anyway; especially during Shark Week.
  • I’d like to hear some real birds chirp over my shoulder, not blue, dead birds tweet hashtags with my fingers.
  • I’d like to finish all the books I start. Review the universal story through every pair of glasses. And after all is said and done, be even more certain that I know nothing yet.
  • I’d like to love and lose and love again, and lose and love and lose again, because what else is there to do.
  • I’d like to get up once a week with no other agenda than laziness in bed, and eating breakfast for dinner, off a blanket. And stay alive like that in bed. 24 hours. Alone. Always alone.
  • I’d like to sit with old people and understand why they’re not in a hurry, rest for a few minutes at the shade of their deep and heavy, bulldog wrinkles; and listen to the stories they tell from when the world didn’t use to end.
  • I’d like to believe that we’re not just numbers plus minutes plus blood, but human issues glued together and dangerously alive; and like all great short stories, we sound familiar, but haven’t really happened any place or time before.
  • I’d like to have kids so they can remind me of all the things I used to know when I arrived into the world. And when my kids forget, I’d like grandchildren.
  • I’d like to be more than a word, a sentence or a paragraph. I’d like to be an entire chapter, or better yet, a novel. Be written in detail. Survive the darkness. Rephrase the light.
  • I’d like to think with no thoughts that the heart is its own country, in which I am allowed without a passport, or any kind of name.
  • And write with no fingers on that flickering life that passes as we write, incessantly, about how life is passing through our fingers.”

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I turn one!

June 16, 2009 · Filed under Hong Kong, my life, Singapore, thoughts · Tagged , ,

Well, not me really but this blog! I read the entry I wrote exactly a year ago and it was about the start of my relationship with Matt and we’ve been together for 15 months now! I started this blog because of my then-new job in Hong Kong so it was a way for me to update all my friends at one place instead of the tedious tasks of emails (and yes, there are many that I’ve yet to reply. Sorry!) to everyone on a regular basis.

How time flies! So here I am, 11 months into my job and life in HK. And how I thought Matt would join me just six months after I moved here but it’s been 11 months and he’s still not here yet. To be honest, there were certainly moments of resentment. But I guess we all have to be realistic at the end of the day and stay or move to wherever that we have something to do to feed ourselves instead of relying on each other to pay for rent or food.

I have to admit it does get easier most times as I start to build a circle of friends in HK (how grateful I am for them!) and am on chummier terms with my colleagues. And also, work travels are great distractions and the best part is, I do enjoy my own company a lot. I know it sounds entirely anti-social but nothing stokes me more than a quiet weekend in, all by myself on the cosy couch.

Yes, I say that now cos I think I’m still in deprivation of my own company after the physically tedious Melbourne trip and the two weekends back in Singapore, which were packed with meet-ups with friends and family. And not forgetting the rather unforgettable weekend where I spent most of it being extremely fugly. Hur hur hur. You gotta admit it’s pretty funny, my swelling face and all. Hur hur hur. And I’m laughing now only bcos I didn’t die from the allergy reaction. Thank God!!!

Another weekend in this week is perfect before I spent the next in Phuket with Matt for his friend’s wedding. Woot! Both Matt and I suspect he would most probably be very hungover when I arrived in Phuket (he arrives a day before I do) from the stag night but I can always chill and tan on my own. :) If all things fail, I’ll always have the beach!

Meanwhile, it’s getting really balmy and muggy in HK. Sucks! Such a clear reminder why I don’t miss SG’s weather at all. I know summer has just arrived but I really can’t wait for the other three seasons already. The good thing is that at least you know this hot weather is not a fixture, unlike in SG.

Mmmm… Another great thing about HK is cheap and good massages. I have mine bi-weekly and though they hurt like hell, you know you’ll wake up the next morning, feeling all the better.

I’m happy that I’m really starting to enjoy this city but then again, as shitty as the weather can be, Singapore is really, really still home. I can’t explain this feeling I get whenever I travel and when I’m in SG. But there’s extremely comforting sense of ease and peace I get whenever I’m in SG. I could be in Melbourne, totally ecstatic to be there, exploring all the streets and lanes or eating my fifth consecutive Korean barbie dinner but nothing, absolutely nothing beats that sense of belonging that I get when I’m home.

11 months down the road, where the journey and learning curve, in terms of work, friendship, love and life, have been nothing but really steep, I really don’t regret the present. By having taken this leap of faith where I’m no longer physically back in SG, suddenly a lot of things become clearer to me. Who and what matter and who and what don’t.

I’m constantly amazed that I could actually manage a long-distance relationship. And as much as I grumble about it, I still get astounded sometimes. Even before I attempted it, I had always been adamant about not being in one. In my previous relationship where the ex thought he was gonna be overseas permanently (well only lasted three months though cos seriously, who in the world can get a work visa flipping burgers? Hur hur hur. Ok, I’m a meanass!), we mutually agreed the r’ship would be over then.

I thought LDRs just won’t work out. Full stop. But well, I learnt yet again to never say never. And you realise anything and everything will work out if you want them to.

Erika (Matt’s pal whom I met for dinner in Melbourne) asked me if Matt and I are planning to get married eventually and I pondered over her question for a while and realised, if we didn’t want that from the start, I think we wouldn’t even try this hard at keeping a LDR, especially when I left just four months after we got together. Cos honestly, I think my departure would be a bloody good opportunity for us to get out if we were just in for fun.

But well, life is an on-going process and who says what I say now dictates what’s gonna happen. We’ll see huh?

Meanwhile, I’m gonna eat some garlic.

Hur hur. I know, bloody random.

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I’ll find a way

August 4, 2008 · Filed under love, my life · Tagged ,

Last night, as usual, I was lying in bed, staring at my room’s ceiling with Matt next to me reading when I said out loud, “I need to write.” I spoke to him instead but still feel compelled to write down what I thought.

I want to remember everything as it is right now. I want to remember the mundane, the routine, the habits because this time tomorrow, I may just have new routines, new habits that may soon become the mundane. I wonder how different my life would be this time tomorrow.

Life has, somehow, given me the change I had always craved for but I thought it’s given me the change four and a half months ago when I met Matt. And now, it’s presented a something completely new altogether. Funny how I desperately yearned for something drastically different in my life more than a year ago but nothing much came along and I made do with what I had. But when it finally come more than a year later when I was pretty much contented with my life, I don’t know how to make sense of it.

Hanafi told me last Friday that he felt I was brave to do this and I was, honestly, taken aback. I didn’t realise it was bravery; I thought it was just going along with what Life has to offer.

So I told Matt last night (at the same time convincing myself) not to be scared of what has yet to come. We know everything happens for a reason and what is happening now is happening for a reason too though we don’t know the reason/s yet. But let’s have faith that the Universe will always have a plan for us and that Life will always have a way of working out eventually.

There would be moments of doubts whether you had taken the right step or done the right thing but nobody knows for sure if they would be right. So let’s be brave and see what Life has in store for us.

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