Posts tagged reflection

Happy Birthday little ol’ me

January 16, 2012 · Filed under my life, thoughts, writing · Tagged , , ,

Is it the coming-of-age feeling that gets us so pensive as we turn another year older? Or is it the combination of that and the proximity of the arrival of a new year?

I left the office today at an untypical hour where the sun still shone. That perpetual guilt of “I could have done more” plagued me but I had to go. I wanted to spend the evening before my birthday with my family and I was adamant I didn’t usher in my birthday at my work desk.

Thanks to good ol’ Stars, my mood lifted a little as I plugged in and walked and I realised it’s been a while since I had this persistent sense of… unhappiness – if that’s the right way to describe it. You know, the feeling that you want more out of your life yet you know you may not entirely deserve it because you ain’t giving more anyway.

It’s probably a combination of factors. First, a relentless flu bug that threw me off track physically and professionally. From there, it was a downward spiral of feeling demoralised and in a state of isolation and self-disappointment. This whole journey is almost… expected. I’d been in a great place for months now and when I recognised its presence, I chuckled a little to myself. Life is all but a cycle, no?

Then when you ain’t feeling so invincible anymore, suddenly different sets of truth seem to make themselves more apparent. And that sense of “I could have done more” persists… I could have been a better friend, daughter, sister and aunt. I’m not caring enough. I don’t communicate enough. I’m not selfless enough. I don’t spend enough time with them. Hell, I’m not even a good enough yogi, what with just a weekly practice…

And as I witness some friendships and relationships die a slow death, I cry a little to myself as I debate between being a victim and a student. I tell myself nothing lasts forever and I can only be grateful they once were but it’s a hard pill to swallow…

I don’t mind all these pensiveness, really. And no, I don’t quite mind turning another year older either. I was telling KT last night that it’s hard to hate ageing when you love the lessons you’d learnt that could only come with age.

We all complain a little as the number scales up bit by bit, but will we really exchange what we have right now for where we were five years ago or even two years ago? I’d loved my life then but I love new lessons too much to wanna stay forever 25.

So, here I go… A happy little birthday to myself. :)

PS: Sorry if you’re expecting the usual uplifting post. I’m sure I’ll be back in no time. ;)

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Today’s one of those days…

November 28, 2011 · Filed under music, thoughts · Tagged , ,

I woke up with a startle this morning. The last few scenes of my dream stayed with me for the rest of the day. I was surprised, and I remain so, that it could still stir up such emotions in me.

I continued with my day in a hazy state. I felt disconnected. And while most of us unwind as the year comes to an end, I’m panicking inside about next year’s Feb and Mar issues (job hazard). Self-doubts sunk in.

When the work day ended, I didn’t even want to head to yoga, a first for me in a long time. I didn’t even have the patience I usually have with public transport. I had envisioned that little imaginary cave I’d dug and I wanted to be there right away.

And I am there now. Listening to music that feeds the soul. Barzin is hauntingly good:

The day does get better. It always does. This too shall pass. But while that we’re here, why not relish the moment for a bit? It’s all for good reasons.

XX

“Detours, challenges, and crisis, Yi Lian, are simply covers for miracles that had no other way of reaching you.

It’s all good,
The Universe”

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All grown up

November 16, 2008 · Filed under love, my life, work · Tagged , ,

3am. And I was putting on my night moisturiser, looking at my reflection when reality seeped in deeper than it usually does.

“Wow, I can’t believe I’m having the life I’m having now.”

Not in a OMG-it’s-so-good-i-can’t-believe-it way. But tell me I’ll be exactly where I am right now in terms of emotional growth, career and romantic love 18 months ago and I would tell you off for bullshitting me.

I was 24 last year. And that was also the year I finally called myself a woman – a properly grown up adult. My adulthood came a little later than your average 21. The truth was that I never felt like I developed mentally nor emotionally till I was 24.

I went through heartbreak – like most women would in their lifetime but many deal with it in different ways thus, not everyone comes out of it the same. Some more cynical; some more hopeful. Some destroyed; some empowered. Some succumbed; some trumped.

I would like to think I took on all the positive cards. I went through loneliness like I’d never before, weak and depressive thoughts that I thought I never would. But I dealt with it like many of us do and did.

I came out of it still a hopeless idealist in love and more at peace in my own company than I ever was. And I thought maybe that’s it to growing.

I remember how I kept telling Karen how excited I was about my life cos I could literally feel anything and everything could happen and god, it so did.

I met and fell for a guy who loved and adored me so much that I never knew I could be loved this way. My dream of working and living in another city and travelling to many others fell onto my lap. And my dream of finding a lovely place of my own in a foreign city also fell right into my path.

Getting my own place was one of the many thoughts that kept obsessing my mind. But I knew with all my travelling and the upcoming festive periods, I had to hold off my apartment hunt. Then, the apartment happened (more on this another day).

It’s truly lovely how when you’re keeping positive thoughts and sending likewise positive messages out, the Universe just does its bits to get you what you wish for. It’s times like that that makes me really believe in the power of karma.

Gawd, I’m getting all spiritual here. It could be the book I just finished – Eat, Pray, Love. A great book that Hanafi and Cat got me as a farewell gift. I swear, the book’s arrival could never be more timely. Was that a sign as well?

So what I’m saying is that, when you think you’ve reached the end of your personal evolution, fat hope. Whatever change you are going through, it’s always and only just the beginning.

;)

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