There are no accidents, Yi Lian.
If it’s appeared on your life radar, this is why: to teach you that dreams come true; to reveal that you have the power to fix what’s broken and heal what hurts; to catapult you beyond seeing with just your physical senses; and to lift the veils that have kept you from seeing that you’re already the person you dreamed you’d become.
And believe me, that was one heck of a dream.
There are no accidents, Yi Lian.
Tallyho,
The Universe
It’s been said that new landscapes bring forth new thoughts. It does. So much so that I think the process paralyses me. The intriguing new landscape would instigate me to just stare at it and when you get captivated into a moment so beautiful, all thoughts leave your mind at that very moment and all you can manage is to marvel.
This may not be my first experience with Shanghai. But somehow it feels new. I sit here wondering while staring at the Pearl Tower and started the self-questioning.
While waiting at the airport’s arrival hall, instead of getting flustered by the typically inconsiderate behaviour of most locals, my eyes and mind went into frenzy – admiring the slew of fashion treats around me. So the behaviours may not have changed when I last came here but the sartorial choices sure have. Proportionate silhouettes, attention to interesting details and understated designer pieces – I must admit I was a little bowled over as I looked on.
Then the car took us past The Bund. Instead of focusing on the ever-gloomy weather of the city, I mused how breathtakingly beautiful the heritage buildings along the water are. An imaginary scene of flappers with shapely bobs and fine-looking dandies mingling in the early 20th century flashed across my mind and it made me smiled.
So the people and landscape have remained since my last presence two years ago so what changed? Then I realised the inner landscape of my mind and heart have. And I guess that may not be such a bad thing after all.
Hello Shanghai. Nice meeting you. Again.
Is it the coming-of-age feeling that gets us so pensive as we turn another year older? Or is it the combination of that and the proximity of the arrival of a new year?
I left the office today at an untypical hour where the sun still shone. That perpetual guilt of “I could have done more” plagued me but I had to go. I wanted to spend the evening before my birthday with my family and I was adamant I didn’t usher in my birthday at my work desk.
Thanks to good ol’ Stars, my mood lifted a little as I plugged in and walked and I realised it’s been a while since I had this persistent sense of… unhappiness – if that’s the right way to describe it. You know, the feeling that you want more out of your life yet you know you may not entirely deserve it because you ain’t giving more anyway.
It’s probably a combination of factors. First, a relentless flu bug that threw me off track physically and professionally. From there, it was a downward spiral of feeling demoralised and in a state of isolation and self-disappointment. This whole journey is almost… expected. I’d been in a great place for months now and when I recognised its presence, I chuckled a little to myself. Life is all but a cycle, no?
Then when you ain’t feeling so invincible anymore, suddenly different sets of truth seem to make themselves more apparent. And that sense of “I could have done more” persists… I could have been a better friend, daughter, sister and aunt. I’m not caring enough. I don’t communicate enough. I’m not selfless enough. I don’t spend enough time with them. Hell, I’m not even a good enough yogi, what with just a weekly practice…
And as I witness some friendships and relationships die a slow death, I cry a little to myself as I debate between being a victim and a student. I tell myself nothing lasts forever and I can only be grateful they once were but it’s a hard pill to swallow…
I don’t mind all these pensiveness, really. And no, I don’t quite mind turning another year older either. I was telling KT last night that it’s hard to hate ageing when you love the lessons you’d learnt that could only come with age.
We all complain a little as the number scales up bit by bit, but will we really exchange what we have right now for where we were five years ago or even two years ago? I’d loved my life then but I love new lessons too much to wanna stay forever 25.
So, here I go… A happy little birthday to myself. :)
PS: Sorry if you’re expecting the usual uplifting post. I’m sure I’ll be back in no time. ;)
I was sipping my glass of moscato with a group of old and new friends tonight when I caught myself off-guard for a moment. There I was, laughing and fooling around with a bunch of people I didn’t even know this time last year (other than one old friend. But as Sue always say, “an oldie but a goldie.”) and I found myself smiling to myself as Keane was playing at the background.
I’ve been saying this for months but sometimes I still want to pinch myself. I’m happy. I’m so truly happy right here and now that everything seems so perfect at the moment. (well, other than the impending deadlines that are scaring the hell outta me…) I’ve came a long way this year. I really have.
I may not have gotten married or pop yet another baby like some of my peers. And despite not having these generic milestones the past year, there are still so many things I’m grateful for. So many. Even the seemingly bad moments.
Right now, I’m grateful for:
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
In my blurry state of waking from a nap yesterday afternoon, I awoke to the loveliest season greetings from a land far away!
“Hi my dearest!
Let me begin with I love you.
I am taking the time to write to the profound people who have supported and impacted my life over this past year of growth and transformation!
In case I have not said it enough. Thank you.
Thank you for your spirit and energy and sharing the villa and your beautiful broken heart at that time with us last year. Thank you for wanting to continue to be a part of my life even though we are worlds away from one another. Thank you for providing me with so much soul and inspiration through your words. Thank you even if there is much time between our conversations, for always returning and asking me how I am. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for all of your support and encouragement and for relishing and accepting my deeply rooted sometimes wise ways along with my silly, playful goofy ways. Thank you for believing in me and sharing it with me often. Thank you for listening. I hold and provide space for a lot of people, so it means a lot to me when somebody just takes the time to listen.
I am so proud of your spiritual growth over this past year. I am so proud of your revelations and understanding about yourself in relationship. For your divine appreciation for your alone time. For your travels and romantic escapades. For your wisdom and yoga practice. For this beautiful job that you manifested for yourself as you merge your love for style, travel and professionalism with your gift for words and perspective in seeing this truly magnificent world and sharing all of your questions, emotions and details of your existence with so many of us through your blog. You are growing into this rooted calm woman. And although our time together was epically brief, it will forever charge through my spirit as a rush of excitement, honesty, playfulness and adventure. While it is true, I do not spend massive amounts of my time reminiscing in the effort of staying truly present, I can say that each and every part of my physical body, my mental body and my spiritual being remembers and is nourished by the names Yilian and Bali. The two will forever be connected in my sense memory and forever grateful for your generosity during this time of finding my way back to my feminine wild and the Divine Feminine as my roots!
May this year bring you much balance between this new found job and the delights in your desire to travel, explore, eat good food, meet quality friends whom you can share all of these spiritual revelations and your growth in person with! May your deepest desires, whatever they might be, however they likely are changing find their way to you effortlessly. And may you remind yourself oh so often that this is all just an experience. The goal is not one of happiness or sadness. It is simple a cycle. Constant cycles present in every area of your life. Ride the cycle. Enjoy. And know that at the end of the day, you want a FULL experience. It is the fullness and the reverence for the ups and the downs I am learning by which this acceptance, understanding, calm and peace for this crazy sensation that we call life is able to find its way to us!
Blessed be my kindred spirit!
Love Always,
Becca”
And it made me so, so happy. :D
Becca, me and my skeletal arm from one year ago
Merry Christmas guys!!! Hope you are winding down to the festive period. Meanwhile, I’m running around town like a headless chicken, trying to get the perfect gifts for the 20 people on my list. So tonight, I’m gonna do a final round with the best pal in town and order “HAM” (only close pals will get the joke on this…) before tomorrow, which is apparently the last day to order.
And at work, Feb 2012 issue is closed and immediately, I’m feeling the heat from our thick March 2012 issue! Hong Kong and Bali to look forward to next month!!!
“Most think that perception works a lot like a flashlight in the dark, illuminating whatever it’s aimed at.
The truth, however, Yi Lian, is that instead of revealing what’s there, it creates it.
Ain’t it so? Praise be -
The Universe”
PS: Yeah, our perceptions are not always quite others’ realities. And that’s the rule of thumb to Life!
After a buzzing week of new information at work and social engagements, and 2am knock-out time every night, I was ready to wave the white flag come Friday night… I had only squeezed in two yoga practices by then and felt kinda out of sorts. That said, I’m not complaining. New environments always appeal to my senses and I’m one who relishes in good conversations with new and old pals cos connections kinda rock, no?
However, I realised as social as I am, I’m also extremely introverted. I love, crave, hanker, yearn for alone time. By Saturday, I was like “Woohoo! Lonesome time!” and was seriously deliriously happy that when I was supposed to head out on Sunday arvo for a catchup with a dear old friend from school, I felt a sense of dread. Seriously. Who behaves like that?! And it’s this extreme behaviour that always has me befuddled why some people simply cannot be alone. I just go “Huh? Really???” when I hear tales of others not being able to have a meal or movie alone. Too weird, these people…
Moreover, I had the pleasure of my little nieces and nephew hanging around me that day, making me feel as if I was a damn cool aunt to be seen with. Actually, it was just Kirsten begging for her toenails to be lacquered and loser Seth was begging the same even though his big sis and I were both insisting it wasn’t something boys do… And little Kayla was intrigued by the colours so I had Kiks and Seth sitting in front of me side by side as Kayla was my little assistant, pretending to ‘apply’ nail polish remover on her siblings.
When I finally had to tear myself apart (you get the idea where my nieces and nephew get their dramatic antics from…) from them, I hopped onto a bus and plugged on my iPod and this song by Stars came on…
and brought a smile to my face. That’s the beauty of having 10,000 songs embedded in your iTunes, you keep discovering and rediscovering music.
Immediately I felt so at ease, despite not being able to spend some ‘alone’ time cos it was on the journey that I realised as long as you feel at home with the person that you are, you’ll feel it’s home wherever you may be. It’s always about the journey, not the destination, no?
:)
I don’t know what I’m high on right now. I cannot sit still. Cannot stop grinning. Cannot stop swaying my body. Cannot write properly.
What is it?!
The euphoria from sending out one article after another?
Or the craziness from lack of sleep. (Four hours a night for the past two nights. Panda, much?)
Or the amusement from the (literal) roll-on-the-floor laughter last night, thanks to:
Or the sugar high from the expired chocolate bar I just forced myself to finish.
Or the itchiness from the mossie bites I’m incurring right now as I’m typing this.
Or the resonance with the wonderful local play “Food, Sex and Death” KT and I watched tonight.
Or the intensity of my stare (think Tim Burton’s ‘Stain Boy’) at my current fingernails now:
French manicure! Me! Who would have thought I'm capable of such femininty?!
Or the thrill from having finished one book and starting on three this week. Ambitious, much?
Or the finalisation of my long lone trip to Nepal:
Or the happiness from this week’s new musical discoveries such as Adem, The Temper Trap, Tunng and The Long Lost. Awesome music is BIG LOVE!
Ahhhhhhhh
OK bye. I should stop my drunk-blogging nao. OK hai! Bye!
Love,
Stain Boy
I tried really hard. But I just couldn’t fall asleep.
I had to write. So I did. And I did, only after much consideration.
I realised that:
I return to equilibrium.
So I’m returning.
