There are no accidents, Yi Lian.
If it’s appeared on your life radar, this is why: to teach you that dreams come true; to reveal that you have the power to fix what’s broken and heal what hurts; to catapult you beyond seeing with just your physical senses; and to lift the veils that have kept you from seeing that you’re already the person you dreamed you’d become.
And believe me, that was one heck of a dream.
There are no accidents, Yi Lian.
Tallyho,
The Universe
Is it the coming-of-age feeling that gets us so pensive as we turn another year older? Or is it the combination of that and the proximity of the arrival of a new year?
I left the office today at an untypical hour where the sun still shone. That perpetual guilt of “I could have done more” plagued me but I had to go. I wanted to spend the evening before my birthday with my family and I was adamant I didn’t usher in my birthday at my work desk.
Thanks to good ol’ Stars, my mood lifted a little as I plugged in and walked and I realised it’s been a while since I had this persistent sense of… unhappiness – if that’s the right way to describe it. You know, the feeling that you want more out of your life yet you know you may not entirely deserve it because you ain’t giving more anyway.
It’s probably a combination of factors. First, a relentless flu bug that threw me off track physically and professionally. From there, it was a downward spiral of feeling demoralised and in a state of isolation and self-disappointment. This whole journey is almost… expected. I’d been in a great place for months now and when I recognised its presence, I chuckled a little to myself. Life is all but a cycle, no?
Then when you ain’t feeling so invincible anymore, suddenly different sets of truth seem to make themselves more apparent. And that sense of “I could have done more” persists… I could have been a better friend, daughter, sister and aunt. I’m not caring enough. I don’t communicate enough. I’m not selfless enough. I don’t spend enough time with them. Hell, I’m not even a good enough yogi, what with just a weekly practice…
And as I witness some friendships and relationships die a slow death, I cry a little to myself as I debate between being a victim and a student. I tell myself nothing lasts forever and I can only be grateful they once were but it’s a hard pill to swallow…
I don’t mind all these pensiveness, really. And no, I don’t quite mind turning another year older either. I was telling KT last night that it’s hard to hate ageing when you love the lessons you’d learnt that could only come with age.
We all complain a little as the number scales up bit by bit, but will we really exchange what we have right now for where we were five years ago or even two years ago? I’d loved my life then but I love new lessons too much to wanna stay forever 25.
So, here I go… A happy little birthday to myself. :)
PS: Sorry if you’re expecting the usual uplifting post. I’m sure I’ll be back in no time. ;)
I was sipping my glass of moscato with a group of old and new friends tonight when I caught myself off-guard for a moment. There I was, laughing and fooling around with a bunch of people I didn’t even know this time last year (other than one old friend. But as Sue always say, “an oldie but a goldie.”) and I found myself smiling to myself as Keane was playing at the background.
I’ve been saying this for months but sometimes I still want to pinch myself. I’m happy. I’m so truly happy right here and now that everything seems so perfect at the moment. (well, other than the impending deadlines that are scaring the hell outta me…) I’ve came a long way this year. I really have.
I may not have gotten married or pop yet another baby like some of my peers. And despite not having these generic milestones the past year, there are still so many things I’m grateful for. So many. Even the seemingly bad moments.
Right now, I’m grateful for:
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
OK, I shall attempt to continue writing about the rest of the month I spent in Bali last year. (It’s sooo easy to attempt digressing…)
So anyhow, by the end of the first week, I wasn’t exactly in a great place yet but at least I made the decision to stay on for the rest of the month, thanks to Wendy’s encouragement. Due to her cajoling, I also found myself in a yoga class called Venus Yoga.
Wendy loved the class. I didn’t.
I didn’t fancy putting my hands underneath my top to, well, get in touch with my femininity. I was, after all, a city girl, who was all about sweating it out during exercise. Why all these getting-to-know-yourself stuff? I didn’t enjoy that spiritual aspect of yoga and I didn’t pretend that I did. In fact, I remembered asking the receptionists at Yoga Barn if they offered Pilates instead. I wanted something straight forward without the yoga chatter.
And of course I didn’t know any better then that we should all question the things that make us uncomfortable in life.
But at least I was open to giving things and people a second chance. I’ve always been a huge advocate of second (or even third and fourth!) chances so I decided to walk the talk and turned up for another Venus Yoga class.
The beautiful space at Yoga Barn
I found myself loving it after the second class. Not because it was then I became an airy fairy but simply cos I love dancing and Venus Yoga combined free-form dancing with Hatha yoga. Also, I have a very curious nature and I LOVE finding out more about people because every one has a story to tell. And Shivani (the teacher and founder of Venus Yoga) always started her classes with a round of sharing.
It was also in the second class where we had a partners’ exercise where we had to look into a complete stranger’s eyes for one whole minute in silence. We can smile, we can cry but we have to maintain the eye contact.
It sounds simple but it’s daunting as hell. It was awkward initially but if you pushed at it, you find the walls we build around ourselves torn down. I had no idea meaningful eye contact could be that intimate.
And being held in the afternoons, I found myself wandering off to tea at Kafe or Clear Cafe on Hanuman Street with the other women in the classes. And from there onwards, I became a social butterfly of sorts in Ubud. It was completely hilarious. I found my schedule filled with social commitments. From not knowing a single soul to having company for every other meal, I suddenly found myself craving for solitude.
Which I took as a good thing. My yearning for solitude has always served as a measuring factor at emotional well-being. Even when I managed to sneak in time alone reading in a cafe, company, somehow, found their way to my table. I must had, thankfully, stopped looking so bloody depressive and off-putting by then. Random strangers would start striking up conversations with me and soon after, we became fast friends.
And at the topic of dancing, I can’t forget my two favourite dance classes at Yoga Barn – Biodanza and Ecstatic Dance. The latter was a two-hour long class, which always have me completely drenched in sweat and grins after. I hate to say this but damnit, ecstatic dance is freaking beautiful. There’s no such classes in Singapore but one can hope someone will eventually introduce it to the thousands of yogis here…
It was at the former class where I met two gorgeous Canadian girls – Karla and Rebecca. Out of a class of 20, we somehow found ourselves keep flocking to each other during the 90-minute class. I kept wanting to dance with them. I didn’t realise then that they were travelling pals but somehow, it all came together. We headed off for dinner with Wendy at Bali Buddha and when I learnt they’d been travelling for two months and their funds were running a bit low, I insisted they came to stay with me at the villa. So suddenly, I found myself having roomies!
The three of us. :)
And the nights we spent at the villa made up one of my favourite memories of my month there. For the first week or so, I found myself returning to the eerily dark and quiet villa every night, which was rather depressing at that point of my life. But there were nights where Becca and Karla would return to the villa first (they were undergoing a month-long yoga teacher training course and found themselves drained at the end of the day) while I had my social obligations (hahaha). And the sight of them chilling in the living room as I stepped into the villa’s compound? Bliss.
We took turns at the bathroom and we had even established a routine. It was usually Karla, me then Becca. Then we would chill by my MacBook to watch an episode of Modern Family. I would laugh my hyena laughter, which in turn would make the girls laughed (albeit, it was directed at me…). There was a night of full moon so Karla led a little ritual where we confessed, cried, laughed and danced till 1am under the gorgeous moon and to Ingrid Michaelson on my iTunes. And there was that other night we got high on shisha in a bar and I found myself agreeing to go to the Gili Islands with a stranger since the two girls had already gone before they met me.
I would awake in the mornings to find them gone (since 6am actually!) and they would see me around 10am at Yoga Barn (where they also had their yoga teacher training course) running to my 10am class. I would throw them air kisses, kick off my flip flops and run upstairs for my classes. Sometimes, we’ll have dinners together but on Sundays when they had the day off, we’ll find ourselves shopping for jewellery, attending one of the many different workshops available in Ubud, gallery visiting or eating pastries at Kue on Main Street.
OK! Word count of 1,000. Time to end it here and till the next entry… Have a lovely week ahead!! <3
can really make all the difference to our lives.
It could be the day you decided to wake up for morning yoga and met someone you would have never met if you hadn’t gone. Or it could be the day you missed your usual 8am train and bumped into an old friend who became your bestie for the rest of your life.
I caught the movie One Day, starring Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess, in the cinemas two weeks ago and it roused up a feeling I hadn’t felt for a long time.
After a mentally and emotionally satisfying movie that I’d just watched for the first time, I would become a recluse, retreating into my own little space – albeit imaginary, as more often than not, I would have company. And don’t mind me, it’s not a bad kinda retreat. I’m often just spotted in silence, smiling to myself. I just need to further relish in the afterglow of a good story alone. Because… no matter how much you and I enjoy the same film, we take different things away from a story and I’m a little bit of an oddball…
The last times I felt that way were with Big Fish, Finding Neverland, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Blueberry Nights, Lost in Translation, 2046, Closer, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Revolutionary Road, Amelie and of course, my all-time favourite Before Sunrise. If you’re a movie buff, you’ll know the most current film on my list is three years old so it’s been a long time since I felt this way.
So when I walked out of the theatre after One Day, this feeling came rushing back into me and it was a little like, “Oh hello old friend, it’s been a while!” It was a Friday night but I kinda wanna soak in that moment alone so I parted from my movie companions and plugged into my happy tunes.
From then on, I wasn’t quite in this world. I hopped onto my bus which took me past our city’s beautiful landscape and I felt like such a kid, marvelling at the breathtaking architecture of the ArtScience Museum, Shoppes at Marina Bay Sands, Double Helix Bridge. Stars, Kate Nash and The Pains of Being Pure at Heart got me grinning and tapping to their music. I felt like such a kid again, suddenly seeing all the beauty that surrounded me.
I know One Day doesn’t necessarily have the happiest ending but as you can tell from my list above, it’s apparent my preferred movie genre is, fundamentally, love stories with, more often than not, unhappy or open endings. They always have a touch of whimsy and surreality. I like them that way because that’s how real life is to me.
Most people have a black-and-white and right-and-wrong view of seeing the world but I’m afraid sometimes Life is not so straightforward. I’m OK that the world is more grey than black or white. And I’m OK that our actions are not always right or wrong. I’ve accepted that nothing lasts forever and neither does every one stays the same forever so now, I see the immense beauty in the restraint and short-lived.
And that explains my love for movies of such genre. Why pray for forever when sometimes, a touchstone of something temporary changes your life for good more than something of permanence?
And that’s how I currently see the relationships in my life. Instead of brushing each other off as someone “unsuitable”, I see that you’re meant to be in my life for a few days or weeks, providing me with a few good conversations. Then we part. That’s it. Is it sad? Of course not. How can something so pure and beautiful be sad? Just because it’s fleeting doesn’t mean it’s not a good thing.
Who knows whatever will happen to us the next moment? That’s the beauty of being alive.
You can change the ending of this chapter and decide how you want to start the next. Amazing, ain't it? :D
“I know I haven’t been around much but you know, I do think of you,” I often tell this to my blog but I’m not sure if it hears it.
“To be fair, there was a lot going on last week!” I’m getting defensive… “Within the last week, I had caught a cold, lost my voice, went for two full-day shoots (OK, I lied. More like one-and-half. But it happens when you are defending yourself. You tend to exaggerate…), finished seven articles and one marketing campaign proposal!”
Then I decide to play the work-life balance card. “Yeah, I still managed to go for four yoga classes, had dinner with a good friend who moved to Australia, birthday dinner with another close friend, a movie date to ‘One Day’ (did you love the film as much as I did?!) and erm, maybe another eight episodes of my fave TV shows while all cuddled up in bed.”
“Can you blame me for not writing in here?”
Silence.
“And and and, this week, I have a musical, a play, an anniversary party, kirtan, dinner with a friend I hadn’t seen for a year, a massage and facial for work reviews and four articles to finish,” I rattle on. “Can you fault me?”
And this is what happens when you start to have a wee bit too much on your plate, you start talking to your blog and think it’ll reply.
Insane much?
I wanted to find a photo of me pretending to look like Superman and this is the closest I've got. More like reverse Superman... But at least I got the red part down pat?
Though I do wonder how different would life be if I’d gone ahead with my Nepal plans instead… Instead of hunching over my work desk right now, I may just be in a ‘Happy Baby’ pose somewhere in Kathmandu…
“Most think that perception works a lot like a flashlight in the dark, illuminating whatever it’s aimed at.
The truth, however, Yi Lian, is that instead of revealing what’s there, it creates it.
Ain’t it so? Praise be -
The Universe”
PS: Yeah, our perceptions are not always quite others’ realities. And that’s the rule of thumb to Life!
I really do fancy how my life turns out sometimes. I know it’s no huge biggie – it’s not like I’d won the lottery or met the love of my life (or Tony Leung/Ryan Gosling/Chris Evans for that matter…) but I take so much joy in unexpected situations like:
Whoa, has it been two weeks since I updated?! Time passes way too fast when you’re having fun. A good pal was in town all the way from Holland for two nights and I crashed over at her hotel. I felt like a tourist in my home country where we mostly did nothing all day but just chilled in the room and snuggled under the very, very comfy sheets!
Even when we managed to hurl our asses out of the luxurious beds, it was for massages and indulgent (but healthy!) food. How good can life get?! Did I also mention the F1 BMW team was staying in the same hotel and it was sooo fun ‘running into’ the delectable men throughout the hotel? :P
And we also spontaneously went to get tattoos! As in, real permanent ones! It wasn’t such a big deal for me, given it wasn’t my first but it was fun managing to coax her into it cos she’s a tattoo virgin no more!!! All the while with her accusing me of being a horrible influence…
It is really THAT painful. I wanted to dieeee
Somehow, also during the flurry of the past two weeks, I managed to secure a new (and very exciting!) job, made new friends, reconnect with old ones, sprung successful surprises, learnt of close friends’ exciting news (that they themselves don’t know yet!), went for two massages and two facials, finished five freelance articles and got a first kiss from my 18-month-old baby niece.
And oh, the advertorial I helped a good friend with came out in the October issue of Elle… And I think I looked 18 in the photo… So. Not. Cool. – me, that is! The hair, makeup and photo crew were awesome veterans but it was just my stupid expression. -_- I looked like I had food hiding under my cheeks.
And Lykke Li concert tonight and Hong Kong tomorrow (yes again…)! Yayy me!
I hope your lives are just as good! Because we deserve nothing lesser. :) Talk soon! <3
