When you embark on new adventures that you never had before, you tend to experience new emotions that will catch you by surprise sometimes. Because you didn’t know you could ever feel this or that way.
I relocated to Hong Kong three months ago and three months sound like an awfully short time but I feel I’ve been here longer. I’m great with directions so naturally, I’ve came to know my way around HK quite well, even within the first week. Matt was impressed when he visited me during my second week here.
But I don’t think I’ve quite settled into HK yet and HK has, in turn, yet to embrace me warmly. Though optimistically speaking, every day does get better. Every day, I feel more at peace with the fact that I’m here. Every day, the thought that my loved ones are not physically with me bothers me less.
Then I started on the travelling part of my work. One week into Manila and I was quite happily making myself comfy there, with my work going quite well, if I may say so. And taking the initiative to meet all the people I think I need to meet for my work there. A few of them even insisted I contact them if I ever do return in future.
Came back to HK for two nights before I took off for Shanghai for 8 days. First few days had me cooped up in my room, working on my Manila report, which I’m proud to say looks pretty good for my first tradeshow report. And then I went out to work on my Shanghai assignments with a vengeance but every day my ego takes a little bruising there but I learnt to go around it and reprimanded myself to be a little more thick-skinned and things did get a little better. Many lessons learnt. Which I’m thankful for and wouldn’t change a thing about cos if not, I wouldn’t learn.
But that thing about travelling before you’re even settled down in one place gives one such a strong sense of displacement. Both times when I returned to HK, it sure didn’t feel like I was returning home. I thought of where home was and I honestly wasn’t quite sure.
Just as I was getting cosy in Shanghai, I returned to HK with little things to do here and there, loads of contacts to make and I didn’t realise how exhausted I was till last night. I tried to not log on to my work email or prepare updates for Happiness is being a Mermaid and Summer Fly and just chill. So I put on The L Word (bought the entire series from Shanghai. Hee) and did just that – chill.
But the work demon guilt-tripped me here and there. I know I do exhaust myself when it comes to work sometimes but it’s kinda nice cos, I know it sounds weird, work has somehow become a companion?
It occupies me when I feel alone and instead of moping, it turns the energy into productive work. And when I didn’t work on both my full-time work nor my personal work last night, I didn’t feel too good about that though I know I HAD to just chill.
I don’t think it’s a trap I’m treading into. Cos honestly, I do feel rather happy and at peace with myself. All these times alone has made myself a better friend to myself.
I used to be idealistic and much more of a dreamer than I am now (I still am though. hahaha) but no matter how many great close friends or lovers you have, you’re always alone at the end of the day. No one knows you better than you do (well, for most people, that is). So isn’t the most important person to be best pals with, yourself?
Instead of hoping I have someone with me all the time to share my happiness and unhappiness with, I’ve learnt that I’m my friend too and I can share them with myself. I could be alone and relish a certain moment and the friend in me would smile with me. I could be a mopey pain in the arse and that very same friend would sit with me and offer consolations or whack me in the head, depending what kinda pain the arse I was being.
And I’ve also came to reconcile with the fact that if I really want to embrace the whole travelling part of my work, I have to accept that home is really where you’ve made it to be. So I’m gonna create home within myself and just feel at ease wherever I am and stop wondering where I belong to. Cos I belong to myself.
It’s nice. Yes, yes, lonely at times but I think I am becoming better at this. And that.
