Nobody knows if this is for good. But it could most probably be.
And it didn’t really hit home till a few nights ago when I sat alone pondering, long after Matt had fell asleep.
I thought of the people and things I’m leaving behind. And my heart got heavy.
I thought of my parents, my little niece and nephew and the thought of separation is almost heart-wrenching for me. I thought of my friends and I suddenly felt sad.
It’s true that HK’s not far away but it’s not the same when you’re not there. It’s HK for now but in the most ideal situation of my job, I (hopefully) may end up somewhere else in the world in a couple of years’ time.
Just like every one who has grown out of a friendship/relationship before, we know this will not stay the same… We tell each other seas apart will do nothing to what we already have and we know we can keep the memories we’ve all created together but how about the future we’ve yet to spend together?
When I do come back, will I not understand the private jokes that we’ve always had cos you’ve made new private jokes? If my stay overseas has changed me a little, will you still accept me for who I am?
Last night, I told Matt suddenly that I don’t think I’ve been a good enough daughter for the mum that I have. I said the things I’ve yet to do with her, the places I wanted to bring her to and I only have 12 days left… Then I started to blabbered and choked and I couldn’t hold my tears back.
And the niece and nephew I love so dearly. Will they forget their aunt? Will Kirsten still endear herself to me like she does now when I only come back occasionally in future? Will I still be the only person other than her parents she’ll allow to carry when she’s cranky?
But somehow, I still refuse to think of how hard it could be for Matt and I to be separated. A lot of couples have done it effortlessly before, why couldn’t we? As my mum said, “If Tony Leung and Carina Lau could be together for 19 years and survived all the months of separation during filming and still get married eventually, I’m sure you and Matt could do it too.” Aw.
I keep the faith that he would join me in the near future but meanwhile, we could only rely on Skype, those occasional weekends in HK or SG, trust and love.
I’ve booked my ticket and my flight is scheduled to leave in the afternoon on 5 Aug. Both my mum and Sue told me they’ve applied for half-day leave. Pam told me she’s gonna try applying as well and all while I told them they don’t have to. Cos I’ll be a blabbering mess and I’ll be utterly embarrassing.
Matt had to rearrange his work hours so he could send me off too though I would see him during the National Day weekend. I told him he didn’t have to and he insisted he wanted to. I said, “But I’ll be a mess at the airport!” and he replied, “What if I want to see that mess?” and those words touched me so deeply.
I am probably just being melodramatic but bear with me for the next few weeks. That said, it’s not to say I’m unexcited about how different my life would be in a matter of two weeks but as I was just telling Jules, there’s a lot of mixed emotions and I want to feel them all.
Excuse me while I become a blabbering mess again.
ilikeribena said,
July 26, 2008 @ 12:34 am
there will be private jokes that you won’t get…
but we can always make new private jokes
wink wink nudge nudge
ngyilian said,
July 26, 2008 @ 12:30 pm
:(
gen said,
July 28, 2008 @ 9:28 pm
dear yilian,
i’ve not known you personally. however, would still like to share my thoughts with you…
i think moving to HK and chasing your dreams and being at your dream job is a GREAT THING! life is very strange that way… it brings you different opportunities and at strange times… and the only thing you can hope for is to be prepared when it happens.
some people think having strength is very important in life. especially when having to deal with setbacks, like broken hearts, shattered dreams, depressing disappointments… but i say, having courage is more important. because you can have all the strength in the world, but without courage, you wouldn’t be able to act upon it.
life works in strange ways and most times, it will all be ok eventually. have some faith, chase your dreams… it’s going to be scary.. but i’m sure it’s worth living a little than regretting it…
GOOD LUCK IN HONGKONG!!!
ilikeribena said,
July 28, 2008 @ 11:54 pm
i was just doing my nightly beauty routine…when my mum’s radio was playing (oh god, shoot me for being cheesy) that Michael W.Smith song about friends and something like that
and i started tearing!!
:(
ROBERT I AM GONNA MISS YOU!!!!
ilikeribena said,
July 28, 2008 @ 11:55 pm
*started playing…
GEE..whats up with my grammar.
x-wen said,
July 29, 2008 @ 11:34 am
I’ve been away from home for almost 8 years. It’s never going to be easy leaving everything familiar and dear to you behind but it’s also the beginning of something new, exciting.
One thing I’ve learn is that no matter how far or how long you’ve been away – everything is just the way it is when you come back to Singapore. So don’t worry about your niece and nephew! They definitely won’t forget about you.
Don’t worry, it’s not forever, you can always move back if you are uncomfortable.
ngyilian said,
July 29, 2008 @ 12:47 pm
gen: I know we haven’t known each other personally too but those few messages we’ve exchanged were real nice and I’m not sure for you but for me, they were really timely and supportive too. :) Thanks so much for sharing what you did with me.
It’s very kind of you and I do agree with you. These few weeks, I keep telling myself, “Be courageous! You can do this!” Courage is a hard thing to muster up, sometimes… Strength is an reaction you have to setbacks but courage is about taking that step on your own… Thanks Gen! It really helps. I do have faith that somehow, the Universe will make things right for us. :)
sue: It’s that “And friends are friends forever!” song. The cheesy one that we always sing to during secondary school concerts. kakakakaa. Aw, yes, it’s cheesy as hell but it’s still sweet! I’m gonna miss yall too. :( Please don’t be the first one to start tearing at the airport next Tues. I’ll smack whoever who tears first (unless it’s me lah).
xiaowen: Thanks for sharing with me. :)
gen said,
July 29, 2008 @ 5:11 pm
no worries mate! i think you can count on me for such quips on life. i am full of them. HAHAHA. some think it’s cheesy, some think it’s highly annoying, TOO BAD! it gets me through life… HAHAHA