Nobody knows if this is for good. But it could most probably be.
And it didn’t really hit home till a few nights ago when I sat alone pondering, long after Matt had fell asleep.
I thought of the people and things I’m leaving behind. And my heart got heavy.
I thought of my parents, my little niece and nephew and the thought of separation is almost heart-wrenching for me. I thought of my friends and I suddenly felt sad.
It’s true that HK’s not far away but it’s not the same when you’re not there. It’s HK for now but in the most ideal situation of my job, I (hopefully) may end up somewhere else in the world in a couple of years’ time.
Just like every one who has grown out of a friendship/relationship before, we know this will not stay the same… We tell each other seas apart will do nothing to what we already have and we know we can keep the memories we’ve all created together but how about the future we’ve yet to spend together?
When I do come back, will I not understand the private jokes that we’ve always had cos you’ve made new private jokes? If my stay overseas has changed me a little, will you still accept me for who I am?
Last night, I told Matt suddenly that I don’t think I’ve been a good enough daughter for the mum that I have. I said the things I’ve yet to do with her, the places I wanted to bring her to and I only have 12 days left… Then I started to blabbered and choked and I couldn’t hold my tears back.
And the niece and nephew I love so dearly. Will they forget their aunt? Will Kirsten still endear herself to me like she does now when I only come back occasionally in future? Will I still be the only person other than her parents she’ll allow to carry when she’s cranky?
But somehow, I still refuse to think of how hard it could be for Matt and I to be separated. A lot of couples have done it effortlessly before, why couldn’t we? As my mum said, “If Tony Leung and Carina Lau could be together for 19 years and survived all the months of separation during filming and still get married eventually, I’m sure you and Matt could do it too.” Aw.
I keep the faith that he would join me in the near future but meanwhile, we could only rely on Skype, those occasional weekends in HK or SG, trust and love.
I’ve booked my ticket and my flight is scheduled to leave in the afternoon on 5 Aug. Both my mum and Sue told me they’ve applied for half-day leave. Pam told me she’s gonna try applying as well and all while I told them they don’t have to. Cos I’ll be a blabbering mess and I’ll be utterly embarrassing.
Matt had to rearrange his work hours so he could send me off too though I would see him during the National Day weekend. I told him he didn’t have to and he insisted he wanted to. I said, “But I’ll be a mess at the airport!” and he replied, “What if I want to see that mess?” and those words touched me so deeply.
I am probably just being melodramatic but bear with me for the next few weeks. That said, it’s not to say I’m unexcited about how different my life would be in a matter of two weeks but as I was just telling Jules, there’s a lot of mixed emotions and I want to feel them all.
Excuse me while I become a blabbering mess again.
